


My Body is a Cage

by tehhumi



Series: wakened into song [1]
Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Torture, Songfic, Suicide, The Arcade Fire, past Annatar/Celebrimbor - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-25 22:22:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21363610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tehhumi/pseuds/tehhumi
Summary: Celebrimbor reflects on his situation while Sauron's prisoner.
Series: wakened into song [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1540156
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	My Body is a Cage

**Author's Note:**

> Title and lyrics from "My Body is a Cage" by the Arcade Fire.

_My body is a cage that keeps me_  
_From dancing with the one I love_  
_But my mind holds the key_

Celebrimbor shivered in his cell. <strike>Annatar</strike> Sauron had left him alone today. It gave him a chance to recover from his injuries, but also a chance for his mind to dwell on Sauron's offer. He would heal Celebrimbor's body, and the two of them could go back to how they had been, if Celebrimbor would just reveal the locations of the rings. Celebrimbor wasn't inclined to accept, with his own torture ongoing and that of his friends waiting if he gave in, but he couldn't forget the offer. It was worse, always remembering that he technically had a way to stop all this.

_I'm standing on a stage_  
_Of fear and self-doubt_  
_It's a hollow play_  
_But they'll clap anyway_

Celebrimbor speculated on what was going on outside - both beyond his cell and beyond the ruins of his city. Did anyone know he was still alive? Sauron was a master of illusions - were his friends even now watching Celebrimbor's figure ride alongside the dark lord? Did they believe he had given in, or sold them out from the start? And even if they knew he was a prisoner, what difference did it make? He could die a hero perhaps, but he'd die all the same. The name Celebrimbor might go down in history alongside Finwe and Fingolfin rather than Curufin and Celegorm, but he wouldn't see it. Dying because he brought this mess on himself and refused to drag anyone else in - pointless on net, but he supposed it made for a good tale.

_I'm living in an age_  
_That calls darkness light_  
_Though my language is dead_  
_Still the shapes fill my head_

Celebrimbor wondered how long he had been in this windowless room. Sauron always said "Good morning" when he came in, regardless of how long he had been gone. Celebrimbor could have been here weeks or months, he had no way of knowing. It was perhaps too much to hope that he had delayed Sauron's plans by a full _coranar_, or year of the Sun. and he would have wasted away far more if he had been imprisoned for an _aldaloa_, or a year as they had been counted under the Trees. He supposed that was one upside of his imprisonment - there was no one who could hear him whose opinion he cared about. That meant he could spit defiance in Quenya as much as he pleased.

_I'm living in an age_  
_Whose name I don't know_  
_Though the fear keeps me moving_  
_Still my heart beats so slow_

Celebrimbor wished that it was some noble and poetic emotion he relied on for strength. Fury at Sauron's betrayal, or hope in a brighter dawn, or belief in a just world. But it was nothing so grand; it was simply fear. Fear of what Sauron would do to his friends in order to get the rings. Fear of what would happen to all Middle Earth if the rings were found. They would make the maia as powerful as Morgoth, and Celebrimbor had no hope the Valar would come stop him any sooner. And fear that he himself was as weak, as Doomed, as marred as the rest of his family. The blood spilled at Alqualonde would be but a drop compared to what would happen if elves, dwarves, and men, were all enslaved by Sauron's orcs. Celebrimbor had long been afraid that perhaps his father and uncles had always wished to kill and merely used the oath as an excuse, and that one day he would do the same. As long as he resisted Sauron, he knew that fear was false on his own behalf, and could believe it had been false for his family as well.

_My body is a cage_  
_We take what we're given_  
_Just because you've forgotten_  
_That don't mean you're forgiven_

Sometimes Sauron came in and didn't torture Celebrimbor at all. He'd act the same way he had as Annatar, offering bits of knowledge and asking for Celebrimbor's insight, even sharing sketches of new inventions. Celebrimbor's hands were too damaged to add in his own notes, even if he had been willing to, and Annatar would act concerned and mention how as soon as he understood the locations of the three rings, he'd have the missing piece to total elven healing. Celebrimbor didn't give any information to this parody of the partnership they had once shared.

Other times were worse though. The times Sauron would walk in and pretend that they had never met, that Celebrimbor was merely another prisoner who had secrets that need to be pried out. Celebrimbor didn't know how the minds of maiar worked - perhaps Sauron truly forgot on these occasions, and forgot his torture of Celebrimbor when he appeared as Annatar. But regardless, Celebrimbor would not forgive either aspect, not for the torture and not for the betrayal.

_I'm living in an age_  
_That screams my name at night_  
_But when I get to the doorway_  
_There's no one in sight_

Celebrimbor knew that his mind was going. At times he heard sounds from the hallway, people going by to their stores and workshops as if this was just another day. But no matter how loud he screamed, no one ever came to help. Sometimes the laughter of his friends would merge into the cruel jeers of orcs, or the marching of Sauron's army would turn into the hosts of Valinor come to the rescue at last. Even if rescue should come, he did not know if he would ever be certain he was out. He resolved never to tell the locations of the rings to any, even if the wore the face of his dearest friend or family, no matter what torture he underwent. He did not swear it, out of a habit he couldn't always recall the reason behind.

_I'm living in an age_  
_They laugh when I'm dancing_  
_With the one I love_  
_But my mind holds the key_

The worst was that Celebrimbor had let himself believe their relationship was real, that they had something special. Well, not the worst, acid in his nail-beds was worst, but the part that made him feel foolish rather than in pain. Plenty of elves had laughed at him, asking him if he truly believed himself enough to sustain the focus of a Holy One, if he though himself as strong and noble as Elu Thingol. Celebrimbor had joked that he may not be as tall as Thingol, but his mind was sharper and he was better friends with dwarves, so the relationship had good odds.

_You're standing next to me_  
_My mind holds the key_  
_Set my spirit free_

And suddenly one day, it was so simple. Celebrimbor didn't want to be tortured. He didn't want to answer Sauron's questions. He didn't expect to ever see his friends again. His family was likely lost to him whatever happened next. And now he could see a way out. It hadn't been there yesterday, when he had more of his blood inside him, but the opening was there as clear a a summer morning. The next time Sauron hit him, Celebrimbor stopped fighting. He didn't fight for one more breath, for one more heartbeat, for one last chance to prove something.

He simply let go, and Sauron lost.


End file.
